Au Revoir is Goodbye

I was sitting on the couch today, lounging around while going through some old notes on my phone.

When I came across this, all of the stormy weather that clouded my mind for so long came rushing back into my thoughts.

I had written it to a man who I had been in love with for over ten years. I remember sitting on my bed and sobbing while writing it, greedily inhaling what I believed would be my last breaths of air.

Two years ago, this was my suicide note.

Look how far I’ve come.

I’m so sorry for what I’ve done and for what I’m doing and for the permanent mark I will leave on your life. Maybe you can learn from it and grow stronger. Your life can still be happy and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. Don’t give up.

I remember the days when I would awaken every morning with a new song in my heart. Hope is the only thing worth living for. Hope in God. My mind only runs in circles and I can feel it dissolving. My heart breaks when I think about the passion I used to have for loving and laughing; hurting and praying; hoping.

I know it’s the truth. I know there is beauty to be found but I cannot see it. There is a dark shadow that follows me everywhere and I feel like I am falling off of the edge of the earth into a void that never ends.

You all tell me to think of hope and to know it. I try and try… and then I remember. My best memories consist of reminiscing over the never-ending joy that came from a beautiful, selfless savior. I know, but I don’t feel. Nothing interests me and it’s only getting worse. Maybe it’s selfish, but it’s the truth.

When you’ve been born with a fire in your bones that cannot be contained, and then one day it just vanishes, everything else is just slippery, and falling is inevitable. Direction is lost. My eyes are gone.

I want to hurt myself. To feel. Not the dull pain I feel when I think about the futility of my life, but a pain that reminds me I’m alive. Most of the time I’m living in an imaginary world where nothing really exists, and it’s very scary. Maybe if I kill myself I’ll wake up in a different life–away from this nightmare. My body and soul are constantly groaning.

You kept me from dying for so long. I wonder, in your days of despair, if you ever mentioned me in your suicide notes. It scares me to think about and I can’t believe I’m considering it now. If you were gone, I would be too.

If you could let me go, then I could go away. Please forgive me.

I am sick

And I am sorry

And I love you more than you’ll ever know.

From China With Love from The Prize Fighter Inferno on Myspace.

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