Transparency

I write a lot of articles on finding strength, hope, and purpose, but I feel like I am being dishonest if I fail to reveal my weaknesses. I need to be honest and transparent in order to move forward with my writing process. I do not want to be a figure that is looked upon as anything less than the embodiment of imperfection, and in that, I hope to bring a stronger sense of empathy to those who feel like I am stronger than them in any way.

I am not, by any means.

So, for my sake and for yours, I am going to ease into some subjects that have been weighing heavy on my soul.

  1. I have been waging a relentless war between wanting to help people and desiring undeserving attention through my writing. I am desperately trying to stray away from my selfish desires that consist of needing to be praised for pieces that are supposed to be centered around spilling my soul in order to bring healing to others (if it’s possible). I want so badly to be able to reach a point in my life where I can write selflessly and with a pure heart.
  2. I have at least one mental breakdown a day. I get stuck in my fears: fears of never getting married, never getting to have children, and becoming a burden to a family I might never get to have. And at the same time, I wonder if I will ever be able to reach a point where I can just become content with being alone in order to spare my potential family from becoming my caretakers.
  3. I struggle with my faith every day. I battle with bouts of a (seemingly) never-ending cycle of doubts that haunt me like dry spells as cracked as a dry and desolate desert. I feel so far from salvation, constantly. I can’t decide if I want to blame it on my mental illnesses or surrender to the fact that I am a habitual hypocrite. I fear that I might be too prideful to ever fully surrender.
  4. I still struggle with major body image issues. At times, I become so absorbed within my imperfections that I am unable to deem myself as anything but a narcissist.
  5. At times, I become completely lost and downhearted, and it often leads to me falling into self-destructive methods of what some might call “self-medication.” It never ends well, and I always wake up the next morning promising myself that I am strong enough to end this cycle. Alone, it is impossible for me, so I have to lean on others in order to make it through.
  6. I deal with so many mental issues already, and I can’t even fathom my mind’s continuous downward progression as the days fly past me faster than I am able to live in the moment. I am afraid of what my own brain might do to me. I am afraid of losing myself and the ones I love the most.
  7. Throughout the day, fits of jealousy swell within my soul when I look at other people who don’t have to deal with Huntington’s Disease. My friends often talk about growing old with the ones they love, and I become frozen in a state of unrighteous hatred for those who get to daydream about the future, after all of their hard work has been done, and get to sit back and enjoy the remainder of their days spoiling grandchildren and waking up early to watch the sunrise, sighing to their soul-mate, “We made it.”
  8. I often write that, despite all of our horrific struggles, there is always hope to be found and a war to be waged against it. Sometimes I believe it and sometimes I don’t. I am, however, a strong believer in the idea that you can know something is true in your mind without feeling it in your heart, and it still remains true. Love is not an emotion. Salvation is not a fluttering of the heart, and hope can remain a deep longing while still being present within who you are. That’s what I hold onto.

I am not writing this piece for sympathy or pity. I don’t even really know what prompted me to bring all of this up so suddenly after not writing for a while, but I desperately need people to read and realize that I am far from perfection. I believe that transparency is able to create a special bond between people–you are sharing parts of yourself that you’d rather keep in the dark, but instead you decide to trust others with your secrets because you want to be close to them.

I want to be close to all of you, and I hope that each and every one of you are able to find someone to share the dark parts of your soul with. If we truly love each other, then we should be able to open up and accept each other for who we really are.

It’s okay to show your scars, your weaknesses, and your struggles.

This is what brings us closer together.

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